Amidst the sea of concrete snow that the stage had become, egged on by Agnes’ unusual encore request that Metra had agreed to, the killing intent of the self-styled villain and master mixologist had won out against the comparable brutality of the affable mercenary who had tried to take his life with just as much brutality. The crowd, though annoyed by being utterly doused in carbonated everything, literally tossed around, literally watching their fellow partygoers exsanguinated and turned into meat puppets, did not allow it to ruin their fun, cheering on for Metra and her eclectic song choices. Agnes hopped off the makeshift surfboard he’d constructed, his opponent cut to pieces and speared and speared to hell, and it a testament to the sheer resilience of Guy-Manuel Mota that, even in such a gored, pulverized state, his opponent wondered if he was actually dead. Regardless, he wasn’t getting back up, or reassembling, or pulling any more surprises or attempts to play possum. Realizing that it was over, Agnes was shaking. Breathing heavily. Hints of tears started to form in his eyes… but before he had a chance to cry, he arched back, laughing into a sea of concrete snow. He’d won again. “There you go, Metra, your show is saved or whatever,” he said with a mocking flippancy as she left the crowd to meet him backstage, “and I didn’t even kill any of these guys who paid to see you… They’ll just have to deal with sticky-wet clothes and some broken limbs.” “Can’t believe this happened again… And I just had no choice but to keep singing and dancing.” Metra rubbed her hands on her arms, shaking her head. “I’m sick of this shit… I thought it was all almost over, but it’s just going to be forever in this city, huh?” “Probably,” Agnes said, still half-laughing through a strained face, “just a constant, encroaching wave of ‘despair’ every waking moment… Way I see it, either you ride that shit as far as you can, or you let yourself drown. Doesn’t make a difference to me which you do.” He glanced up at the ceiling then, cupping his hands. “Hey, fuckers! I won now! I beat the guy you sent! Get on the biggering or I’ll burn your casino down again!” The game had, in fact, been won, and Agnes and Metra were the first to start to be free of its grasp, along with the spiked and bloodied separated bits of Guy, still pulsating ambiguously. “He’s out for blood.” Tigran declared, warning the others Entertainment District highrollers observing, as he produced a deck of cards. “My Stand can’t hold him at that size much longer… But this whole place is about to be flooded with people, too. Duck into somewhere, and get away in the confusion.” He spoke authoritatively, and even his sole superior, Fox, complied with his wishes after an urgent glance. “I… I’ll come for you! I promise I will!” Tigran didn’t hear much more of that, then, beyond the sounds of Pork Soda’s Stand cry amplified by sonic boosts courtesy of Metra Doria. He fought impressively with little more than a deck of cards, but even then, could only buy his friends the seconds they needed to get away, live to gamble another day. Tigran “Golden” Sins, User of ‘The Grid Retired! Face broken in nearly a dozen places by Agnes and TD/MD, the 48 year-old owner of Heartache Casino would be very quickly interned at Red Clay penitentiary, Metra insisting that her ally not kill him. As thousands of confused concertgoers suddenly grew to full size and began to flood the halls of the Alexander Dickinson Amphitheater, the rest of his accomplices were able to escape the authorities yet again. Despite his extremely infamous protectiveness towards his face, he almost seemed to wear the damage with pride, knowing that this time, it represented having allowed the only man he considered greater than himself to run free yet again. Red Clay Penitentiary - Industrial District “Well, well, well, isn’t this a small world now? Tigran Sins, now in my care… Certainly less of a looker than I’d heard.” A dark-wavy-haired twenty-something sat snickering in the warden’s big swivel-chair, clad in a sleeveless velvet minidress, what of her flesh was exposed covered in flickering tattoos resembling closed eyes, flanked by uncanny-looking guards. “You don’t know me, but I’ve certainly heard of you… Of how you treated someone I hold dear very cruelly. Don’t you understand we’re all Stand Users trying to live our best life, Mr. Golden? I’m not the one who hurt you and threw you in here, and you’re not the one who said that I needed to be kept half-starved at all times so I couldn’t create anything.” “Wh… Wait. Who the hell’re you?” “Did my sweetheart never mention me, or do you just not pay attention to anyone but you and yours?” She leaned forward, bridging her fingers together. “I’m Palmer. I was a drama teacher at a small-town high school, but they kept overfunding football, one thing led to another, and now… I’ve got some serious vision.” Tigran would be the last inmate admitted to Red Clay before a coup months in the making finally came to fruition. Hey, yeah, Palmer! Remember that fun NPC? She was dating Mr. Jones and killed four people for him! Anyway, yeah, adjacent to him, an all-out meanspirited brawl in a sewer is taking place, feat. two chaotic clowns and two very frustrated young women. What rotten luck this had been. That leak, now of all days, when Being So Normal, Cairo Satori’s pet project that they had been slaving away at ever since setting foot in this series, had the deals with the devil that it had been built upon from the very beginning exposed for the world to see, and the city, which had loved every second of it before, had now been divided sharply between the loyal fans remaining and those protesting the entire thing, demanding the resignation of their producer, the cancellation of a show which had been picked up by so many streaming platforms, had already begun to make so much for the people who had made a livelihood of it all. With the connection to Andrew Tiffany’s demise, even the oh-so-loyal Purple Flying Man resigned with only a short argument, and even the damage control removal of Caroline Jeffords, responsible for the worst of it, did little to contain the fact that Cairo knew about this, and Cairo allowed this to proceed nonetheless. What, were they going to just throw it all away at the last minute? Ruin lives, tank companies, get how many people laid off? All over the failures of those close to them? Of course not. “Cairo, dear,” the voice of that ever-troublesome producer, Million Dollars, muttered into a cell phone for them, “I’m going to need to go under the radar for awhile… People are beginning to look into my own affairs as well. But know that, as always, no matter what, you have my support. This show isn’t just a cash cow, Cairo… It’s an example. An example for the world to look to, and something for Stand Users to aspire to be better. I know you’re probably mad at us as well, but… You know that, don’t you?” “Dollars… You’ve got a lot of nerve, trying to plead with me right now,” Cairo answered, tense in what had been their green room, sitting in the mall their producer had owned, “we definitely need to talk about our future… But we need to have one, too. Of course the show must go on… Nothing’s gonna jeopardize that!” Free Viper Strip Mall, Suburban District In recent times, the atmosphere at Free Viper was… somewhat dire. In fact, it had been on a rapid decline since that fateful day a couple months ago when Bert hijacked a ritual meant to challenge fate and did so, while murdering tens of thousands of people and injuring far more than that at the same time. Actually, Black Knight Penitentiary Album’s death and the realization that Remix was a serial killer came before that and weren’t very uplifting either, but what Bert did was somewhat hard to top. Either way, the realization that he found one of the most morally bankrupt groups of people to team up with in Los Fortuna was one that Arthur Lifeson had reached not too long ago, and though it was somewhat of a painful thing to come to terms with, he had no choice but to do so and simply carry on. Bert had died, and the least Arthur could do from here on out would be to do his best to assist the city of Los Fortuna and bring justice to those who deserved it. The city certainly needed it, given all that was occurring right now. For all the time Arthur spent in the city, he hadn’t gotten enough of note done yet… but that was soon to change. He had a plan in mind, one that would help keep the city and the world of stand users as a whole from devolving into further chaos. Before he could put it in place, however, he’d have to get some help. Los Fortuna Shopping District, Sweet FA Mall - The Next Day Nix Ripa had been in this city for months now, and in that time, all he had done was tear down walls, break buildings, break people who had dared to step all over the safety of others, of those too weak to bend fate to their whims. It was despicable to him, and the icy Stand User was seething with hot rage. Those without the power to change the world themselves were pitiable, in their ways, yet at once, he knew they were not above help… That they needed to be driven higher, reach for the stars rather than wave to the heroes they saw in them! When Arthur Lifeson discovered and contacted him, he did not hesitate to make his way to the megamall in which this was all set to culminate. Rather than in the comfortable solitude of the Black Hill Estate, where he could train without disruption, he’d even spent the night in an alley nearby, wanting to be able to spring out first thing in the morning! When he did, then, as if on schedule, the older bearded man who had requested his help stood at the foot of Sweet FA, looking himself quite regal with that increasingly modified Medieval Times getup. “Sir Ripa… It is an honor to meet in person, with yet another warrior of great acclaim.” “Heh… I’ve seen you around,” Nix answered, stretching off the sleeping-on-a-dumpster aches and forcing out his hand, which Arthur, in turn, grabbed firmly, the pair locking fingers tightly and staring one another down intensely. “Did a damn fine number on those guys at this very mall awhile back… And it takes some guts to drive out into the Middle Finger for any reason! The mountains are where I do my most intense training of all!” “Aye, I regrettably was fooled into following the glorious allure of Being So Normal… I lack even your good reason, of how you and your fallen brother-in-arms, Sir Rains, apprehended a true villain in the process of this fight, and even a black knight who would have put a past companion of mine to shame with her depravity.” He looked towards the space and shuddered. “The show, it refused to show the truth, but the wounds from that grueling battle, the burns… They were excruciating. That witch Jeffords, nothing she’s touched can be trusted as a truth to show the world.” “So we’re in agreement then!” Nix said, finally letting the handshake go as Arthur’s hand began to grow numb, rolling his arms around and turning to face Sweet FA. “I looked into this place, their mission statement, their show, their producer… Set a good example my ass! They just want the whole damn world to think there’s nothing better than being a Stand User! That the ground we walk on should be kissed just for what we’ve got! Well… I’m no goddamn celebrity!” “Heavy is the head that wears the crown,” Arthur agreed, “and this mockery… It will not do good for the world to learn of us this way. A knight’s honor is not something we seek for glory, for congratulation, but because there is no greater purpose than to slay evil, to protect those who cannot for themselves!” “Heh… I like you. After this, we’re sparring ‘til one of us can’t move!” Nix led the way in there, then, Arthur feeling pause for a moment at the sheer intensity of his companion. This was not of fear, however, or of a sudden feeling of inadequacy at someone so much younger, yet so much more driven than him. Nay, he had been filled with more righteous determination than ever, and with a battle cry that led to a family with two kids in a stroller staring his way, he ran in after him! … … As soon as they reached the main foyer of the mall, both of them realized, in tandem, and Nix spoke first, “…this place is huge as hell! Where do we even go to smash shit up?” “I… That. That is a good point! Perhaps we should conduct a map kiosk, one which says ‘you are here!’ Ugh, those are always a pain to read…” “I’ll help you.” Both turned, then, to see a very fashionable teenager, clad in a purple aviator cap and goggles, slim and bearing a dour expression on his face. All who had hung around Cairo would recognize the Purple Flying Man from someplace or another, as well as all the extremely online and influencer-following of Los Fortuna. “This show… They’ve done so much to capitalize on my uncle’s death. They’ve actively stopped the truth of whatever might have happened to him from being investigated with their frameup… And this conflict, I have lost two of my brothers to it all over again.” He paused, then, and the two men seemed to trust him. “You won’t be able to erase the show completely… It’s already had a limited run in this city. But masters, extra footage, content they were going to actually send out… There’s a storage space nearby… Most of the show’s data is backed up, of course, but that’s where everything is being saved. If your wish is to sabotage Being So Normal, to ruin its international release before it can cause any more harm to the outside world, that is where you go.” “So you’ve had a change of heart yourself… I am thankful to hear that, Purple One…” Arthur snapped his fingers, then, as if remembering his name. “Right, now I remember! ‘Afton,’ wasn’t it?” Purple’s face faulted. “Erm… N-no, eheh. It, uh… It wasn’t that. I haven’t been anything but ‘Purple’ for a very long time.” “No matter what you’re called, an enemy of this show’s from within is just what we need to make this a little less of a pain in the ass!” Nix declared. “Lead the way!” A Series of Backstage Halls Deep Within Sweet FA Acrobatic and stealthy as he was, after leading the way in for those who had sought out this quest to begin with, Purple hurried along deeper inward, well aware that it was likely this place would not be unguarded, and meaning to scout ahead, maybe even fight a bit if he absolutely needed to. He really, really did not want to, and so far, it wasn’t reassuring to him that nobody had interrupted them. No show staff, no Stand Users, not even some rent-a-cop had yet gotten into the way of this. As he made his way to a security room, quietly bemoaning the fact that he would never live down infiltrating a security room with that damned nickname Bad Apples had given him, his worst fears were confirmed. His friend, his confidante, Cairo Satori was sitting in a swivel chair, watching screens displaying the entire mall and idly leaning their head into a metal baseball bat. “Purp…” They spoke up without even turning to face him. “Wasn’t expecting to see you again so soon! I mean, with everywhere you’ve blocked me, privated your accounts… I was under the impression you needed some time away from the show.” Purple hopped down, then, walking closer towards the chair, clearing his throat and pondering his words clearly. “The show needs time away from the show, Cairo… You know damn well why I brought myself back. Come on. You know this isn’t right… It doesn’t have to be this, and even just delaying could save-” “Delay, huh?” They stood, twirling that bat they’d always carried around. It didn’t worry Purple. He’d never seen them actually using it. “C’mon… You know it’s not that simple, buddy. I’m just trying to make sure everyone has a good time… Already, I’m cutting toxic people out of the show! Even when they’ll make it harder to make anything going forward, Caroline is gone! I’ll keep that producer on a really short leash! I am doing everything in my power to make sure that this goes well… C’mon, can’t you look on the bright side?” “You… You already know my answer to that. You’ve betrayed my trust, Cairo. The trust of my uncle, of everyone you’ve worked with… Of this whole city!” He shifted in place, then, becoming a much more avian humanoid figure with its pose. “I am its lavender courage, and I am your friend! And as both, I cannot abide by-” Cairo swang their bat, and as they did, the arms of a Stand emerged from their own hand and struck it as well, multiple times in quick succession. By the time the bat impacted Purple, it was with enough force for the deeply resilient eternally-young ghost to be sent hurtling towards a wall, literally impacting it hard enough to leave an impression in its form, embedded and unconscious in a single swing. He was alive, and would walk this off, but he wouldn’t be getting back up today. “Sorry ‘bout that,” they said, standing with the bat over their shoulder, ‘Peach Pit’ manifesting more fully by their side (drawn by the artist Boy George, as usual), “but I can tell we don’t have time to chat… I’ll send you a gift basket from the launch party, yeah?” Then, their attention turned towards the others on the security room screens, addressing their Stand in the meantime, “uh, hey, Peach…” “I’m on it,” the Stand answered, “Arthur Lifeson and Nix Ripa… I’m excited for this, honestly.” “And you don’t need to know that I am to, honestly…” Cairo moved to press the intercom button. “I heard violence!” Nix called out, balling his fists. “Purple found someone!” He began to rush forward, then, Arthur preparing to make a blade, only to be stopped by the crackling of an intercom button. “Hello again! Wow, it really isn’t all that often that Being So Normal has repeat appearances, but that’s, what, twice in this promotional cycle alone?” Cairo’s voice rang through, then, and they continued, “I figured we’d see some trouble here, so I gave most of staff the day off… I knew it’d be types like you two who showed up, and honestly, I gotta say, despite the circumstances, I’m a bit psyched!” “Cairo Satori!” Arthur spoke up then, waving his hands. “Put this madness to a close, before I have to put you to my blade! You need not fall victim to this any longer… To fight us is a waste of time!” “Well, I’ve got time to kill, and nobody to talk to, now that my friend’s taking a bit of a nap. And besides, you think I’m gonna just let you destroy everything we’ve been working to build up because you don’t like a couple of the crew members? C’mon, have a reality check here! No way I’m gonna allow that… Especially not right now! Look, why not come talk to me after I’ve completely closed this Netflix deal?” There was silence, then, and then they spoke up again. “Oh, who am I kidding? We both know that this is only gonna end one way! If you wanna stop me from sending this show out for the whole world to know and love, and not just be another little piece of Los Fortuna’s super storied, super amazing history, then STOP me! I’m already sending Peach your way, and there’s no way the two of us will just get walked all over!” Arthur shut his eyes in frustration, but Nix shook his shoulder. “We knew from the start it’d come to this. C’mon… Any more talking this through will be a waste of all our breaths.” “Yeah! This pre-battle stuff goes on way too long, I swear! So much to cut down in post without missing the meat of it… But enough talking shop, yeah? Let’s get to what we’re here for… You wanna say it with me? …no? Okay, suit yourself!” “OPEN THE GAME!” Location: A hallway to several storage rooms in Sweet FA Mall. The area here is 40 by 80 meters with each tile being 2.5 by 2.5 meters. The white tiles are completely out of bounds for this match. The light magenta tiles are the main hallway, the purple tiles are side hallways, and the red tiles are the rooms. Each room has a number associated with it for convenience, as shown by the purple numbers. The ceiling is 8 meters tall. The doorways are denoted by the dotted lines between the rooms and hallways. The players start at the left end of the hallway and Cairo starts in the security room (room 5) to the right of the bottom center. Cairo’s Stand starts in the middle of the main hallway. The grey X marked circles are security cameras on the ceiling that connect to the monitors that are represented by the yellow notched rectangles in room 5. The light blue rectangles in the main hallway are 4 meter tall metal shelves that house stage set up equipment such as stepladders, light fixtures, microphones, extension cables, construction tools, and anything else needed to set up or tear down a stage. All shelves are bolted to the ground. The yellow stars are disks, tapes, harddrives and other recordings of the footage shot by Cairo’s show. The walls are drywall while the floor is ceramic tiled. Now onto the different rooms:
Room 1: Contains racks and cardboard bins of merchandise. The brown rectangles are cardboard bins of plushies and hats. The red circles are racks of clothing merchandise.
Room 2: Contains a mountain of chairs and other furniture within a 5 meter tall metal storage fence as represented by the light blue rectangle and the junk inside it. Each side of the fence has a chain locked door.
Room 3: Contains various cooking appliances and peripherals. The white rectangles are 4 meter tall metal storage shelves and the magenta rectangles are 5 meter tall metal storage containers. Basically any appliance that doesn’t fit on a shelf is put into one of the three containers.
Room 4: Contains two long tables as represented by the grey L-shaped rectangles. On these tables are neatly laid out items that were used in Round 2 Match 4, this means Riot Shields, Fireworks Cannons, Magnetic Ray Guns, Grappling Hook Guns, smoke bombs, Tar filled paintball guns, mannequins, body armor, skateboards, net launchers, fire extinguishers, step ladders, marbles, bowling balls, trampolines, shovels, steel chairs, and blankets. Only the crystal ball is missing. The blue circle is a barrel of fencing foils and the yellow rectangle is a banged up motorcycle that while not completely totaled is in pretty bad shape.
Room 5: The security room. It is rather bare, only housing the monitors set-ups to the security cameras and three swivel chairs to go with them.
Goal: RETIRE your opponents! Additional Information: As a reminder, White Tile areas are out-of-bounds for this match. If you willingly traverse through them you will be retired by a pair of mall cops. Here is a shortened version of Cairo’s character sheet with all relevant information, the full sheet is linked below Name: Cairo Satori Age: 21 Gender: None, whose business is that anyways? Species: Human Occupation: Beloved Media Icon Equipment: The newest smartphone, two sets of wireless earbuds for communicating directly with [Peach Pit] quietly, a bag of weed mints, and a baseball bat. User Stats: Strength: 3 (Too much effort to get properly strong- Cairo can throw as much effort into a hit as they need to in order to finish someone off after being brought to near-retirement by [Peach Pit], and that’s about the maximum they need.) Agility: 2 (Never had to run after or from anything.) Endurance: 2 (Not one to hold up under sustained pressure for very long, hoping to duck back from any conflicts except where absolutely necessary.) Conduction: 2 (Able to personally carry their Stand’s damaging energy through them, and has a general knowledge of how to apply it.) Vibing: 3 (It's for vibe checks- the necessity of finishing an opponent off personally, in a fast and hard strike. The full force of their strength, loaded into one moment rather than a series of fests. Also, they do have good vibes.) Stand Name: [Peach Pit] Stand Appearance: On the bulkier side of stand builds, Peach Pit has some resemblance to a knight in plate armor- big, dark metallic pauldrons, a chestplate, an assortment of straps and buckles, etc. The surface of the stand looks very much like a sunset with its colors flipped around. Its face is smooth except for a simple minimalist icon of the sun, and the rest of the head is mostly covered by a knight's helmet as well. A gradient of sorts goes from the head of the stand down to its armored feet, starting with an orange-red and ending in black with white specks like stars in the night sky. About/Oddities: The stand is dangerous, outright. The manifestation of an incredible will for a very specific life gave it incredibly high offensive might, and although Cairo has depleted its very low ‘potential,’ nothing else has decreased in the slightest. Additionally, [Peach Pit] is sentient, and thinks of itself as a close friend and bodyguard to Cairo. Despite being able to dish out high damage, it is very much a friendly, calm and collected individual, having respect even for those it has to fight. As such, [Peach Pit] leaves RETIRING opponents up to its user completely. An enemy can be beaten down, but will still be able to pull together and carry on albeit impeded until Cairo personally finishes them off. This isn't simply a choice- if instructed to keep pressure on an opponent who's down but not out, its strikes can indefinitely inflict serious pain and yet never be quite enough to injure a foe to the point where they're considered RETIRED. Due to the bold weakness in this, for how combat inefficient and easily hurt its user is, Peach doesn't have full damage transference. Instead, it can be destroyed repeatedly- Cairo takes one instance of C power damage upon its destruction, and it can be resummoned from Cairo's position after ten seconds. Peach's presenting identity has been influenced by Cairo's insistence against defining things that way, to the point of being comfortably seen subjectively as anything. Peach will respond to any pronouns without questioning it. Stand Stats: Power: A(The stand can exert a great amount of power in its attacks) Speed: A (Its movements are very fast and its attacks can travel just as quickly) Range: B (50 meters) Durability: E (Subpar durability, however when destroyed the user takes C power damage and the stand can be summoned back to Cairo’s side after 10 seconds.) Precision: C (Generally decent in its movements, but its projectile attacks only move in a straight line once fired and can only be stored within conductive materials. In non-conductive materials it would keep traveling) Ability: Peach Pit lacks a complex ability, as far as one would expect. Rather than intricate effects, its hits themselves can simply be conducted through material similarly the way that electricity does, with distinct variation based on the conductivity of the material. Within conductive material, damage is stored up much like a battery - the moment someone touches the "battery", the damage transfers directly to it on the point of contact. This means that if Peach were to punch a metal rod and someone were to touch it, they would feel the full brunt of Peach's attack the moment they do so. A battery remains charged for up to fifteen seconds, and at any point if it hasn’t been touched and discharged already, Cairo can pick any direction from where the battery is in contact with non-conductive materials to activate the next type of attack. Within non-conductive material, either deployed through battery or direct strike, damage "travels", moving forwards in a straight line at A speed in the same direction it came from. This wave of damage can be seen as it travels, with slight shimmers of light and a crackling sound emanating from where it's currently positioned. Damage cannot travel further than B range from Cairo.
“The thing in Hayato's hand was definitely a handy cam. It doesn't seem to be in this room right now...” This show is a sweet-sounding idea, but it’s so corrupt to its core that you can’t allow it to spread any further than it has. Destroy as many physical backings of the recordings Cairo has made for their show as you can over the course of your strat!
“I even took a video of the cat-like plant you've got in the attic!” This show… You know it’s been an unsavory road, one you wish you could have managed differently, but the good it can do, the way the world might finally begin to understand the ugly and wonderful truths of Stand Users and appreciate them more as a part of their lives… You will celebrate that. Take creative inspiration from actions that took place in matches related officially to ‘Being So Normal!’ That is to say, these 5 matches, R1M5,R1M23,R1M29,R2M4, and R3M8!
Link to the Official Player Spreadsheet Link to Match Schedule As always, if you would like to interact with the tournament community and be among the first to get updates for the tournament, please feel free to PM a member of our Judge staff for an invite to our Official Discord Server!
Need advice/ help possible demonic presence at my boyfriends house?
Will try to keep this short but who knows. I semi sometimes live with my boyfriend and his family as my own home life isn't the greatest. We've been dating for about 6 years I'm a 22F and he 22M. He has told me that all his life he has experienced strange things from time to time examples include having horrible dreams about hell fire and skeletons, seeing full bodied apparitions as a child, and also shadows always lurking in the corner of his bedroom. I could honestly create a whole very long post about everything he's experienced but I'd rather ask about what has been happening more recently. I noticed that about 2 years after me and him had been dating, according to him, the activity had been ramping up and becoming more common than before when he was younger. I noticed that sometimes his house gives off a creepy vibe but this was hard to detect because honestly the place is decorated and arranged very pleasantly and it's located in a beautiful part of where we live which is somewhere in the PNW. Well, especially in his bedroom is where I noticed the creepiness coming from which we think is also the center of all the activity. Actually, so, the house was built in the 60's (it's a double wide with an extended room built in after if that helps) and there used to be an older couple that lived in his bedroom and one day the wife died from natural causes in his bedroom. For awhile me and my boyfriend had the theory that the activity was being caused by the spirit of this woman who wasn't happy that a teenage/ young adult boy had been living in her room for years, oh yes by the way he has lived in this house all his life. Buuuttt that theory got debunked when his mom brought in a Catholic medium/ psychic over to the house. She said she detected a presence that was actually male, and she didn't want to say if she felt the spirit was human or.. something else, which I find odd, honestly though this women wasn't very helpful. However I do think she's right, whatever it is it has a "male" presence. I know this because one of really the only times it's ever messed with me personally was about 2 years ago. It was the morning, I didn't have anything going on that particular day so I stayed in my boyfriends bed to sleep in while he got up for work. Eventually him and his dad (the only other 2 people there that morning) went outside to get things ready for their job, they work together doing construction. So to set the scene, I'm laying in his bed somewhere between sleep and awake while him and his dad are outside, in the bedroom there is a window to the outside where they get things ready, it was closed but it allows me to hear them chatting outside sometimes. It's really, really important to note that when they were talking to each other outside their voices sound muffled and distant. Ok so, all of a sudden I hear a voice, INSIDE the room with me it's a deep male voice, and he goes "I used to be great" I kind of starting to get up and look around while still laying in bed. Now I have to say this isn't usually like me, I do kind of get scared easily but, I think because it was the morning and not night time I felt braver, and another weird thing was that.. I didn't even care which is very very strange of me, because I'm always fascinated by evidence of ghosts existing maybe it's because I was so tired on top of it, I'm not sure. Anyways, I don't think it liked that I was ignoring it for one bit because then, I feel as though something has just rushed up to my face like.. whatever this thing was got up in my face while I was laying in bed and said... something else, unfortunately I can't remember :/ but it was still in this guttural scary, deep male voice and they sounded angry and I could even feel cold air being blown into my face like as if you felt the breath of someone on your face if they/re talking really close to your face. So.. once again this is so strange of me, what did I do? I just rolled over and tried to get more sleep.. completely just trying to ignore what was going on, I guess maybe at the time I felt that was my only option. I eventually did fall asleep after a couple of minutes and when I did, I had the first and hopefully only sleep paralysis dream I've ever had. It was a typical SP set up I wake up to find that the surroundings looked just like the room I'm sleeping in except I can't move. The only different thing was that .. there was a cat on my chest, a calico cat to be specific I only stayed like this for a couple seconds because in my head I was just like fuck this and started to try to sit up and then when I did, my perception of reality started to shake and rattle like, if you were looking at things through the view finder of a camera and then you start shaking the camera .. kind of hard to explain :/ but it just looked like all of my surroundings were starting to fall apart and then the cat on my chest starting to hiss and meow and it swiped at me in the face and then I woke up laying on my back in my boyfriends room, totally normal. So yeah, other strange things happen like, for a long stretch of months in the summer to be specific, we would hear scratching everywhere in the walls, wasn't always dedicated to one particular wall or room or anything just randomly, whatever room you were in (this especially happened to me in particular) you would just hear scratching, right wherever you were like as if it was trying to be as close to you as possible. I know know, could be just animals living in the walls buuttt in the summer that makes no sense as it can get so incredibly hot in my opinion no animal would want to be living in those walls in the summer, and it would happen at all different times of the day. Another thing is that my boyfriend has 2 dogs and every so often they both freak out and bark at nothing, it also gets particularly scary when I notice that their eyes seem to be looking around at something we can't see. For example once my boyfriends vizsla was coming over to give me some love, I was sitting in the middle of the floor beckoning her to come over to me, she was exiting out of my boyfriend's parents bedroom and she had to pass by my boyfriends bedroom in order to come over to where I was. His bedroom door was open and as she passed by she looked inside, she had a stuffed animal in her mouth and when she looked over into his room she dropped it and just started starring, she became visibly more agitated and as soon as I said "Sami, what do you see in there?" she started barking like mad like, so aggressive and not like her at all as she's very gentle but protective. Her gaze starts to shift forward, now looking ahead as if whatever she was looking at in the room came up right over to the front of her face she then starts attacking the stuffed animal she dropped on the ground as if it was alive biting at it viciously and snarling at it. Her eyes are crossed in front of her like she's looking directly in front of her face and I could see this look in her eyes like she was starting to get really scared and shakes the stuffed animal around in her mouth violently and then suddenly throws it really far up in the air and against a wall almost hitting the ceiling. I know that dogs throw things around with their mouths sometimes but she had never done anything like that before, and then she came over to me with her head down looking for comfort, it was so strange. There's three more big things I need to bring up and then I can get into my theories and questions. 1.st about two months ago, and very important to note when I wasn't there, my boyfriend said that he felt something grab his ankle while he was sleeping, this is big because this is the first instance of whatever this is physically touching him. 2nd. about a week ago I had his house all to myself as him and his family went on a little get away at a casino and I stayed at their house to watch their dogs. That night I wasn't in a good mindset at all but was trying to have a good time by myself. I was hearing the scratching again and frankly just being annoyed by it, it was coming from the large pantry in his kitchen and the scratching would get louder every time I would get closer and examine the inside of the pantry. I just tried to get my mind off of it so I brought out my tarot cards ( I know probably wasn't a good idea if I'm trying to avoid activity) but the tarot cards keep my mind busy, it's a hobby I've been working on and developing my skills on for the past 7 months. I started out by arranging them in an arch shape on the table like as if you took the deck and just spread the cards out in a smooth arch all face down. Now, to be honest I partake in the devils lettuce from time to time and this night was no exception as I was not in good spirits so to sum it up it was making my awfully sleepy and it was late and I had to go to work the next day anyway so I just left my tarot cards out like that, no intention behind it whatsoever other than laziness. The next day I come to the table to find that... somehow... a card had been pulled from the arch right into the middle of it. Now you need to listen to me when I say that I DID NOT DO THIS it wasn't a situation where I figured.. well maybe I did pull a card and I forgot or something, NO, I remember being immediately freaked out but also.. excited. I figured, what's next to do other than flip the card over and see what it is. The card was.. the 5 of cups which, if you do tarot you would know that is probably in the top 5 most negative cards you can get. It is a card that signifies grief, loss and despair and abandonment, typically people get this card when they've experienced a death of a loved one or an intense break up or some other traumatic event. And the thing is that I have experienced all of those things recently. Soo if this situation wasn't coming off as too complicated, let me add that both me and my bf are actually polyamorous so I had been in a relationship while also being with him, and that person dumped me and the situation was frankly awful and I was lied to and I had felt abandoned. On top of that, this summer I experienced the loss of another guy I used to date, he died of an overdose and I'm still grieving him even though we weren't together anymore when he died I still considered him a friend. So about this card, it's strange because when I told people in my life about this they all asked me, did you feel threatened by this card being somehow magically pulled from the deck? And honestly, I didn't because I felt whatever it was was just telling me.. this is you. Now see if it was the death card, then yes I would feel threatened but this felt different like you could say the 5 of cups already represented me, so seeing that wasn't new information. I wondered if possibly the idk.. spirit or whatever of my dead ex had been the one who pulled it but, I don't know the more I think about it the more I feel like a crazy person. Lastly, this only happened about 2 days ago and is the reason I've come to the internet for some advice. I was out late but planning to arrive back to sleep at my bf house. I noticed he messaged me "where are you??" at about 11:30pm which I thought was odd because he's not very clingy and just in general lets me be me so this made me worry. I wasn't able to get back until 1 am unfortunately. When I come home I find him sleeping in the guest bedroom, he says I'm not sleeping in my bedroom tonight and when I ask why he proceeds to tell me that earlier while he was laying in his bedroom he was watching something on his phone and he was noticing shadows out of the corner of his eye but he tried to ignore it. He then felt like something was on the bed and when he lowered his phone down he full on sees a completely dark figure so like an outline of a large figure that was all black with no details standing on it's knees(?) at the end of his bed looking at him with it's arms outstretched. Lets just say, this really really bothered me because in my mind this thing is getting braver and bolder and it's behavior is escalating and me and my boyfriend don't want to wait around until.. one of us gets possessed or something!! So let me get into some leads, well just one lead: So.. the area where both me and my boyfriend live in my opinion is like the skinwalker ranch of the PNW I mean the town we live in inspired the show Twin Peaks and some of the first and much of the third season of that show was filmed here (another hint at where we live). So on top of all of this activity something else I've been noticing is that my boyfriend has a neighbor who very late into the night is always shining really really really bright lights, in fact so bright that people up to 10 miles away can see them, that's how through small town networking I had met a man who also was seeing these strange lights. He's actually like the towns little paranormal investigator and he invited me to do an interview for him to tell him what I saw. This man is older and has been around and knows a lot of history about our town and the area and he's worked very very closely with the native tribe in our town as if you live in the PNW you are almost guaranteed to be living on native land. He had told me during that interview that where my boyfriend lives is said to be an ancient burial ground for noble native people as it's located on the side of a large mountain which they thought of as sacred. He said he's heard of many strange things happened where my boyfriend lives but didn't explicitly say that it could explain what we experience within his home. This got me to thinking that perhaps this spirit is of a long dead noble indigenous man of high honor, could that explain why he told me "I used to be great." Some people I tell this story to don't think that as they don't think a native spirit wouldn't be malevolent but I'm inclined to think white people who stole your land and now live on top of your grave would maybe make someone like that pretty angry. And, frankly that's all I have for an explanation. Some questions I have would be, could this possibly be a actual demon? Or a malevolent spirit? Another thing I wonder is that, my boyfriend is always the one mainly seeing and experiencing the activity while sometimes it messes with me in really weird ways, he seems to not like me and stay away from me, why could this be? Because if demons/ bad spirits are attracted to people with trauma and baggage and depression then I should be the target as I have those in spades, while my boyfriend is a relatively happy guy all the time. Sorry this was actually really really long but please, anyone have any advice at all? And please please don't suggest saging while I have done saging rituals of my own many times I think it's too far gone in this situation and yes we have saged this house about twice now.
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Challenge: 1/1/20 - 12/31/20 This has been a crazy year for everyone. I fell behind on my reviews, I've attempted to catch up in the last two months, but here we are. I've now delayed my 2021 challenge so I just need to dump the rest and do better this year. Sorry for the half ass work. So here is my last 32 films on the year that I have the least to say about. Last Christmas (2019)- Watched 07/17/20 - RotTom critics - 47% RotTom users - 81% This film is a cute rom-com. The critics are too hard on it. If you want a nice entertaining rom-com, this is it, nothing too special about this one. -Score - 3/5 The Lovebirds (2020)- Watched 7/19/2020 - RotTom critics - 66% RotTom users - 51% This film is more Com than Rom. Once again, if you are looking for this kind of movie, you'll be satisfied, if not, just skip it. -Score - 3/5 Clueless (1995)- Watched 07/28/20 - RotTom critics - 81% RotTom users - 76% This film is a pretty unique High School movie. I quite liked it, it was humorous in a special way. Thi movie, like Lion King is based on Shakespear's Hamlet, is based on Jane Austen's Emma. It's a brilliantly intelligent film, wrapped in a California high school comedy. I recommend for all. -Score - 4.5/5 Onward (2020)- Watched 8/8/2020 - RotTom critics - 88% RotTom users - 95% This film is not up to snuff with he rest of Pixar's original films. The themes were not as groundbreaking and the story was not as captivating. I was disappointed. Of the 23 Pixar films, this one would rank bottom 5 for me. That being said, Pixar is great, and their worst movies are still decent movies. -Score - 2.5/5 Casino (1995)- Watched 7/26/20 - RotTom critics - 80% RotTom users - 93% Have you ever been sitting there thinking, I want to watch Goodfella's but slightly worse? This is the film for you. It's good, but not great. I think I even like Irishman more. If you like Scorsese, or crime movies, I reccomend. -Score - 4/5 The Lighthouse (2019)- Watched 9/7/2020 - RotTom critics - 90% RotTom users - 72% This film was advertised to me as a 2020 Oscar snub. I disagree. I like experimental film but I thought this one was a little too boring. I can see where some like this one, but not me. Great acting performances by Dafoe and Robert Patterson. People need to stop sleeping on Patterson, I'm excited to see him as Batman. -Score - 2/5 The Impossible (2012)- Watched 11/12/20 - RotTom critics - 92% RotTom users - 84% This film is the most boring disaster movie ever? I'm shocked at how high the scores are on this film. I do not recommend this one to anyone, and if you do watch it, drink a few cups of coffee first. -Score - 1.5/5 I'm Thinking of Ending Things (2020)- Watched 9/16/2020 - RotTom critics - 81% RotTom users - 47% This film is the most convoluted film I've seen this year. I could see underneath all the insane things that were happening there was a good movie. The critics are cowards, they clearly saw an artistic movie and gave it high ranks, the users are correct here. I understand the film now, that I've looked in the source material, but you shouldn't have to have a manual to understand your film. Kaufman, is a great screenwriter, I'm not sure if he is a good director. -Score - 1/5 Guns Akimbo (2019)- Watched 9/23/20 RotTom critics - 52% RotTom users - 40% This film is a wild ride. You are thrown into a crazy, world with a crazy plot. Everything Daniel Radcliffe does these days are always weird and original. This movie is just ok, it receives a higher score based on originality alone. -Score - 2.5/5 Being John Malkovich (1999)- Watched 10/4/20 - RotTom critics - 93% RotTom users - 87% This film is an example of good Kaufman. Reigned in by Spike Jones, a great film is churned out. This movie is so oddly funny, I highly recommend if you want to see a weird little comedy that is amazingly orginal. -Score - 4.5/5 The Devil All The Time (2020)- Watched 10/8/2020 - RotTom critics - 65% RotTom users - 80% In a year where there are not many new films, this movie coming out on Netflix can shine. Most years this movie would probably fall to the wayside. But with not too many films to compete with, this films stands out as a good, not great, thriller. I recommend, if you are looking for a serious entertaining movie. -Score - 4/5 Stranger Than Fiction (2006)- Watched 10/15/20 - RotTom critics - 73% RotTom users - 85% This film is a forgotten gem of Will Ferrell. A mix of drama and comedy Ferrell really shows off his acting chops. I love old Ferrell's comedies but it's nice to see he can play a serious role as well. This film is a crowd-pleaser, I recommend to all. -Score - 4/5 Good Time (2017)- Watched 10/16/2020 - RotTom critics - 92% RotTom users - 81% This film was directed by the Safdie brothers. I loved Uncut Gems so I wanted to see some of their earlier work. You can see a similar style in this film, I'm excited to see what they do in the future. Also Robert Patterson is great in this film as well. He is about to become a huge star.-Score - 3.5/5 Dolemite is My Name (2019)- Watched 10/24/20 - RotTom critics - 97% RotTom users - 91% This film is FANTASTIC. I regret not giving it it's own post. I talked about Oscar snubs, this should have been competing for Best Picture last year. This movie is dramatic and hilarious and everything in between. Eddie Murphy is tremendous, his best performance ever possibly. Everyone needs to watch this film, I recommend to all. This may miss my top 5, but it's #6 then. -Score - 5/5 The Princess Bride (1987)- Watched 10/25/2020 - RotTom critics - 97% RotTom users - 94% This film is a favorite among a certain age group. I am too young to be a part of the childhood hype. But watching this film, you can tell why it is so special to some people. It's just a fun movie. You can't help but smile while watching. -Score - 4/5 Due Date (2010)- Watched 10/26/20 - RotTom critics - 39% RotTom users - 52% This film trash. Straight garbage. After The Hangover made Galifianakis a star and it is clear they just greenlit anything he was in. RDJ also couldn't save this unfunny comedy. I do not recommend this one to anyone. -Score - 0.5/5 The Rock (1996)- Watched 10/31/2020 - RotTom critics - 66% RotTom users - 85% This film is know as Michael Bay's best film. That's not saying much, he is the one who made the Bad Boys movies and the 100 Transformers movies. This one is entertaining because it is so wild. It is so over-the-top, it's hard not to smile at it. IF you like dumb action movies, check this one out, if you like substance, skip this one. -Score - 3.5/5 Interview with a Vampire (1994)- Watched 11/1/20 RotTom critics - 63% RotTom users - 86% This film is only two hours but it feels like 10. Cruise and Pitt give two good performance in this one but it drags. I also do not know who this movie is for, I'm not sure who I would recommend this one for. So I won't, skip this one. -Score - 2.5/5 Bourne Identity (2002)- Watched 11/8/2020 - RotTom critics - 83% RotTom users - 93% I have never seen the Bourne tribology before and I saw it available on one of the streaming services so why not dive in? I was going to watch all three, until I watched Identity. Then I didn't want to watch the rest. This was just another action film to me, it didn't feel special at all. And maybe on 2002 the crazy swinging camera during fight scenes were cool, but not that I've seen John Wick. I demand better fight scenes. Tell me what I'm missing about this film/trilogy? -Score - 2.5/5 Time Freak (2018)- Watched 11/13/20 - RotTom critics - N/A RotTom users - 54% This film is a very small unwatched movie. No critics reviewed it and less than 200 users rated this one. It's a cute sci-fi rom-com. I thought it was entertaining enough, this may the exact middle of my total rankings. Average. -Score - 3/5 Brave (2012)- Watched 11/14/2020 - RotTom critics - 78% RotTom users - 75% So I've seen about 19 of the 23 Pixar films. Shocking enough, I skipped all the bad ones through the years. (Cars Trilogy) Brave is fine, nothing too remarkable or original. This may not be bottom 5 Pixar, but it is bottom 6. -Score - 2.5/5 Holidate (2020)- Watched 11/14/20 - RotTom critics - 45% RotTom users - 42% This film is a silly premise Rom-Com. Kind of like Hall Pass where the writers make up a ridiculous situation and pretend it's a normal thing. This time a a pair of people pretend to date just for the holidays so their families don't pass judgement? This one is funny enough to beat the dumb premise, so if you are a rom-com fan, check it out. -Score - 3/5 Year of Spectacular Men (2017)- Watched 11/15/2020 - RotTom critics - 65% RotTom users - 69% This film is not another Rom-Com, more like a Dramedy. Theses are the only movies my wife agrees to watch with me, so I am somewhat and expert of them. It was entertaining enough to not dislike it. This one will never be your favorite movie, but it won't be your least favorite. -Score - 3/5 Hail, Ceasar! (2016)- Watched 11/15/20 RotTom critics - 85% RotTom users - 44% This film is a Coen Brother's film. I am trying to dip my toe into the Coen Brothers. I always like their films but I never love them. This one is pretty funny, but I do feel like I missed the overall point. Let me know if I should check out a different Coen brother's film besides Arizona and Lebowski.. -Score - 4/5 The Trial of the Chicago 7 (2020)- Watched 11/18/20 - RotTom critics - 90% RotTom users - 90% This film was really great. I believe this will be in consideration for a 2021 Oscar for Best picture. I think in a normal year it could compete with the big hitters. Definitely check it out, it's on Netflix, this just missed out on my top 5 films of the year. -Score - 5/5 Killing them Softly (2012)- Watched 11/21/2020 - RotTom critics - 73% RotTom users - 44% This film is a Brad Pitt thriller. It's ok, not great. Check it out if you like crime or mafia movies. If not just pass on this one. -Score - 3/5 Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny (2006)- Watched 11/25/2020 - RotTom critics - 52% RotTom users - 67% This film is on the path of being a cult classic I feel. I think if you love Jack Black and his band Tenacious D, you would love this movie. I'm not a huge fan but I respect this movie. It's a unique funny musical. It's worth a watch if you are a comedy fan, and you may become a cult fan. -Score - 3.5/5 Happiest Season (2020)- Watched 11/26/20 - RotTom critics - 84% RotTom users - 88% A new holiday themed Rom-Com. This is a Hulu original and it's just fine. More com than Rom, if you like that kind of movie this one will hit the spot. -Score - 2.5/5 Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga (2020)- Watched 11/28/2020 - RotTom critics - 63% RotTom users - 78% This film is straight trash. Ferrell is turning into Sandler, and it's more and more clear every year. A SNL star who made some great comedies early in his film career, and slowly proceeds to churn out worse and worse movies. I'm disgusted by the critics that haven't realized this. Like Sandler, Ferrell is capable of great acting, but takes the easy way out. Do not watch or support this garbage. It is competing with Sandler's Hubie Halloween for the worst film of 2020. -Score - 0.5/5 The Holiday (2008)- Watched 12/18/20 RotTom critics - 50% RotTom users - 80% This film is a holiday themed Rom-Com. More Rom than Com. It's cute, not great. You can do way worse when it comes to holiday movie, so if you want an inoffensive movie, this is it. -Score - 2.5/5 Noelle (2019)- Watched 12/19/2020 - RotTom critics - 53% RotTom users - 58% This film is not great. This and Lady and the Tramp live action was Disney + first original movies. Instead of starting off with a bang, it's clear Disney had a terrible film that they didn't to distribute to theaters. I love Kendrick and Hader but they could not save this film. Skip this one forever.-Score - 1/5 Christmas with the Kranks (2004)- Watched 12/18/20 RotTom critics - 5% RotTom users - 38% This film should be considered the worst Christmas movie ever made. It is so boring, and dumb, and so low-stake. I knew it was going to be bad before I started, but I was shocked on how bad it was. Please never watch this one. And let me know if there is a worst Christmas movie, I'll watch it next year haha.-Score - 0.5/5 A few of these films cracked my top 10, but not my top 5. A bunch of these are in my bottom 10, and one broke the bottom 5. I have one film left to review in 2020! Then I can start my 2021 challenge. HeyImAJoe's 2020 Top and Bottom
Sunset Boulevard...........98. The Wedding Daze
1917.................................99. Don't Mess With Zohan
The Gentlemen...............100. Christmas with Kranks
Uncut Gems....................101. Love The Coopers
Jaws..................................102. The Ridiculous 6
Which movies can you watch over and over again and enjoy EVERY TIME?
There are some you can't get through because they're boring, predictable, or just too bad at many levels.Then there are those that are just enough to get by.Those that are good, but not something to write home about.Of course, there are some that are GREAT (at the time) but once you are done and sated, they're like a great night out with someone that pushed all the right buttons, and yet, that morning after, you just want to get away from them.And finally, those that you want to introduce to your parents. You tell your friends about them all the time. And can't understand why there are still people out there that have never watched them...You can recite the dialog word for word, you of course know every twist and turn and cliffhanger's outcome.And yet, your joy is still there, you will even laugh out loud shed a tear in funny or emotional moments.They are just like a good book, or someone with whom you can have conversations until dawn.They are your personal islands, your fail safe go-tos in your favorite streaming service, which you know WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN! Mine are many, some I run into like an old beloved friend you come across some times and your face lights up with happiness at the prospect of spending a little time with them. Others I have in favorited lists, so I don't forget and always keep in touch :) Here are some (would love to see what you like and if you agree with some of mine - which of course include obligatory titles which some might find tiring over being named so many times... but that's the thing about great movies, they don't go away). I know some are not considered great by most, but we all have our guilty pleasures for our own personal reasons. The list is in no particular order, just "off the top of my head" stuff. ****EDITED****
Shawshank Redemption
The Green Mile.
Patch Adams (I miss Robin so much! Sniff).
Tom Hanks' Forest Gump and Castaway.
Catch me if you can (notice that Hanks is here as well as in The Green Mile hehe).
Most of Tarantino's work.
Kingdom of Heaven.
Most of Di Caprio's work.
Ferris Bueler's Day Off.
Big Lebowski.
Gladiator.
Avatar.
Legends of the Fall.
Braveheart.
Dances with Wolves.
The Mission.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
The Last Samurai.
Gattaca.
A.I. Artificial Intelligence.
Blade Runner (1982)
Star Wars (the original trilogy)
Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Saving Private Ryan.
300.
Apocalypto.
Back to the Future.
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.
Fight Club
The Last Emperor.
7 years in the Tibet.
Most of Pixar's movies.
Alien.
2001: A Space Odyssey.
The Godfather trilogy.
Life is Beautiful.
Il Postino.
I am Sam.
Pan's Labyrinth
The Fith Element
The deer hunter
LOTR
Inception
Die Hard
Lethal Weapon
Ghost Busters
Groundhog Day
Good Will Hunting
Jurassic Park
The Usual Suspects
The Matrix
When Harry Met Sally
The Princess Bride
Goodfellas
Got some more:
Ronin
The Score
American History X
21 (the blackjack movie)
K-Pax
Seven
Snatch
John Wick
Leon (the professional)
Lucky Number Slevin
L.A. Confidential
La Femme Nikkita
Wanted
Sicario
The Mechanic
Road to Perdition
The Manchurian Candidate
In the line of fire
The Bourne movies (most of them)
Grosse Pointe Blank
High Fidelity
Pretty in Pink
Weird Science
The woman in red
See No Evil, Hear No Evil
The Breakfast Club
RED
Shooter
Smoking Aces
Stranger than Fiction
The Equalizer
2 Guns
Remember the Titans
The Bone Collector
Fallen
Glory
Once upon a time in America
Hudson Hawk
Cool Runnings
Coming to America
Trading Places
Scott Pilgrim vs The World
Pay it forward
Sixth Sense
Dark City
Delicatessen
Demolition Man
Tombstone
The Magnificent Seven
Spaceballs
Donnie Darko
Saving Mr. Banks
Terminator 1 and 2
Good Morning Vietnam
Tron
The Secret like of Walter Mitty
Hector and the search for Happyness
Secret Garden
Rounders
Awakenings
Dead Poets Society
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
Point Brake
Speed
BettleJuice
Full Metal Jacket
Karate Kid
Top Gun
Scent of a Woman
Labyrinth
St. Elmo's Fire
The NeverEnding Story
Platoon
Willow
A lot like love
Stand by me
Sixteen Candles
Legend
The Dark Crystal
War Games
Weekend at Bernies
Enemy Mine
The Last Starfighter
The Man with the Red Shoe
The Man who knew too little
Joe vs the Volcano
Lost in the Translation
Surrogates
The Highway Men
Sin City
The Story of Us
Bandits
Joker (2019)
The Whole Nine Yards
Armageddon
Jack Reacher
Jerry Maguire
The Siege
The Saint
Leaving Las Vegas
Conair
Sleepless in Seattle
City of Angels
When a Man Loves a Woman
The Wedding Planner
Parker
The Backup Plan
The Cell
Out of Sight
White men can't jump
Field of dreams
Close encounters of the third kind
Explorers
Mars attacks!
Independence day
Pacific Rim
Avengers (all of them)
Tin Cup
JFK
The Bodyguard
The Untouchables
Revenge (1990)
The General's Daughter
Men of Honor
About Time
The Time Traveler's wife (funny that Rachel McAdams features in both this one and the one before, and both involve a guy traveling in time. And both are great and she is just lovely...)
Super Bad
Zombieland
Thor Ragnarok
Black Panther (both - too bad no more are coming)
The Social Network
Mean Girls
Ocean's Eleven
Matchstick Men
The Notebook
I.Q.
D.A.R.Y.L.
Risky Business
Minority Report
Oblivion
Rainman
Edge of Tomorrow
Knight and Day
Days of Thunder
Interview with a Vampire
The color of money
Born on the fourth of July
From dusk 'til dawn
The mariachi
Dogma
Patriot Games
Somewhere in Time
Ender's Game
Moneyball
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
The Blue Lagoon
The Big Blue
Lucy
Valelrian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Dune (1984)
Dangerous Liaisons (Uma OMG!)
Face Off
Get Shorty
Phenomenon
Swordfish
Broken Arrow
Michael
Trading Places
Coming to America
Constantine
Devil's Advocate
Something's Gotta Give
As good as it gets
Sweet November
Johnny Mnemonic
Scanner Darkly
A walk in the Clouds
The curious case of Benjamin Button
Meet Joe Black
A river runs through it
Fury
The big short
The Mexican
Cool World
Megamind
Spy Game
The Departed
Can't buy me Love
Conan the Barbarian
Amadeus
Gandhi
Casino
THe nice guys
I'm gonna leave it up to here for now... I would love to see more movies that I forgot to put in my list :)
Clarkson's Columns: "It's time you quit Furious Tweeters Anonymous" & "Up to my ears in Agri-Jargon"
It's time you quit Furious Tweeters Anonymous and joined me and the Trots for a quiet pint By Jeremy Clarkson (Sunday Times, Oct. 25) All this month, people have been talking about a new Netflix documentary called The Social Dilemma, in which a bunch of stubbly Californian tech start-up nerds on a guilt trip worry out loud about how the internet has been hijacked by enormous companies that are now using it to make — gulp — money. They say that our phones constantly monitor what we do and who we talk to and what we say. And clever algorithms are used so advertisers can target their products and services at exactly the sort of people who might be interested. And this is what, exactly? A bad thing? If you are a woman and you are experiencing lady problems, you do not want your Facebook feed to be full of ads for agricultural buildings. In the same way, I'm not the slightest bit interested in hearing about an exciting new breakthrough in tampon technology. Targeted advertising makes sense for all concerned, and if Facebook can make a few quid along the way, good luck to it. "Ah, but," say our stubbly friends from California. "Exactly the same information-gathering and algorithms can be used by political parties to target undecided voters." And ... what's wrong with that? Seriously. What's the difference between doing that and dispatching some smiley dweeb with a clipboard and a pamphlet full of promises to the swing-state housing estates of Hemel Hempstead? The Social Dilemma, however, did in the end touch fleetingly on a subject that's been troubling me for a little while now. That Google and Facebook and all social media will eventually cause every country on earth to be engulfed by a bloody civil war. Possibly about toothpaste. When I was a reporter on the Rotherham Advertiser, I'd go for lunch most days with two people who were in the Workers Revolutionary Party. I liked them a lot, and I think they liked me, even though I was very obviously not a member of the Workers Revolutionary Party. We talked about politics, of course, and we'd argue in a good-natured way and then we'd have a couple more pints. And then we'd go back to work. It was the same story with my dad. He didn't like my trousers and I did not like his. We didn't have similar taste in music either. He thought Dave Greenslade might be the devil. I thought Bach needed to cheer up. And we'd have lengthy debates about hair too. But we never actually fell out over any of it. Today, though, things have changed, because we can engineer our lives so we rarely encounter anyone who thinks differently. You think you are chatting to your kids in the evening, but actually you're making noises while they're tuned into Radio Greta on social media. We all follow like-minded souls on Twitter. We have WhatsApp groups, where we share jokes with others we know will find them funny. We watch whatever news channel echoes what we are thinking. We ignore those on Tinder who like Donald Trump, or those who eat meat or who do anything that doesn't belong in our opinion bubble. That's why people were staggered when the country voted for Brexit. Remainers such as myself were surrounded by other remainers, so we thought everyone was a remainer. It's why everyone at the BBC was bowled over when Boris Johnson won such a massive majority. They couldn't believe it because absolutely everyone in their electronic lives voted for Jeremy Corbyn. If you are a vegan, it's extremely likely that you will share vegan recipes with other vegans on social media. You may even share stories that say meat is murder and growing cows is destroying the ozone layer. So when you see a picture of a man eating an actual burger, you are horrified. Staggered. Because how could he be so obtuse? You are going to send him a message, which, because social media allows you to dispense with the niceties of meeting face to face, will be extremely abusive. And then your friends are going to pile in until, eventually, burger man responds in kind and soon everyone is threatening to kill everyone's children. If you don't believe me, tell someone under the age of 25 that we shouldn't be pulling down statues. But be warned, the response will be so unpretty your phone may well melt. I don't think there's been a time when society is as divided as it is now. Women versus men. Black people versus white people. Rich versus poor. Right versus left. There are even heated and abusive online arguments about dental hygiene. And it's because people are always absolutely convinced by social media that they have the majority on their side. The internet was built so you could get a pizza at four in the morning, and find out where James Garner was born while you're on a beach, but it's become home instead to levels of bigotry, rage and hatred not seen since the Trojans opened up that horse. It will spill out on to the streets in time. It already has in America, where gangs of white supremacists, utterly convinced by social media that 94% of the world is on their side, are roaming around in packs, with Glocks on their thighs and an AR-15 rifle in the boot, just waiting for one of the nation's six Democrats to look at them funny. The stubbly start-up nerds say it isn't possible to step back from the brink. They say we've created Skynet and that no one's going to come from the future to save us. But I think it is possible. We just need to remove the cloak of anonymity behind which all social media users can hide. You used to need a licence to own a dog and could have had it taken away if you didn't treat it well. But anyone can go online and say anything they like to anyone in the world, completely safe in the knowledge that they will only ever be found by Heckler & Koch, which will send them an ad for its latest sub-machinegun. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My bafflement is sprouting nicely: Pass me the scythe—I'm up to my ears in agri-jargon and I don't understand a word By Jeremy Clarkson (Sunday Times, Oct. 25) I didn't think farming would be especially difficult. I figured that man had been growing crops for 12,000 years and that after such a long period it would be in our DNA. That it would be relaxing. Monty Donnish even. I'd plant seeds, weather would happen and food would grow. In my mind, then, farming would mostly involve leaning on a gate while munching pensively on a delicious Dagwood Bumstead sandwich, or enjoying a late summer sundowner from behind the wheel of an air-conditioned tractor. It'd all be a festival of crusty bread, lemonade, fresh air and cider with Rosie. Followed by a cheery harvest festival and a big fat cheque from the EU. I've learnt, however, that all of it is back-breaking and difficult, that there's never time for a ploughman's in the sunshine, that there's no cupholder in my tractor for sundowners or anything else and that to be a farmer you must be an agronomist, a meteorologist, a mechanic, a vet, an entrepreneur, a gambler, a workaholic, a politician, a marksman, a midwife, a tractor driver, a tree surgeon and an insomniac. I am none of those things, which is why I spend every single evening with my nose buried in a copy of the countryside bible — Farmers Weekly. It's my new favourite thing. I especially love the fertiliser and machinery adverts, because they all feature fifty-something men and they're all wearing checked shirts and zip-up gilets made from a material that exists only in agricultural supply shops. I want to buy everything they're advertising because it all looks so manly and proper. The editorial is a bit different, though, because I can't really get my head round any of it. There will be a picture of some sheep, so I'll think, "Ah. I have sheep. I must read this." But after the second paragraph I have to give up and move on because I don't understand a single word. I therefore switch to a piece about the new agriculture bill, but all I've taken in when I finish it is the sound of a voice inside my head saying, "Concentrate, Jeremy. This is important." The actual words? No. They've just swum about like fish. I understand now how life is for people who think they might be interested in cars. They pick up a car magazine, and after five minutes they think that maybe the exciting front cover featuring a Porsche on full opposite lock was a con because the text inside seems to be about physics. I can read about an electronic limited-slip differential and know what the writer means. I know terms such as lift-off oversteer and axle tramp and torque steer and scuttle shake and I even have a fairly good idea what the motoring writer Gavin Green meant in Car magazine when he said the then new Toyota MR2 suffered from "tread shuffle"\*. For most people, though, this kind of language is gobbledygook. We see the same problems today with Formula One. The commentators don't translate tech-speak such as "deg" for the viewers. They use it to demonstrate to the drivers and the engineers that they too are part of the inner circle. It annoys me — so, chaps, can you stop saying "box"? And use the word "pit" instead, because then people at home will know what the bloody hell you're on about. This brings me on to the world of banking. Like a lot of people I have savings, and that means I occasionally have to speak with people called Rupert and Humphrietta. One said in a Zoom call recently that in the previous few months I hadn't "shot the lights out". I had no idea what she was on about. She then tried to sell me a "product", which, it turns out, is only a product in the way that a casino chip on red is a product. I could be wrong, but I'm in no position to know. I turn occasionally to the Financial Times for assistance on these matters, but, like the car magazines and the F1 commentary, it's far too complicated. Which is why I mostly end up reading the superyacht reviews in the disgusting but strangely engrossing How to Spend It supplement. I fear, however, that simplification isn't actually necessary in Farmers Weekly, because the readers don't need the jargon translated. When they read that ex-farm spot wheat values are averaging close to £176.50/t midweek, they know what the words mean and what the implications are. Me, though? Not a clue. I have been writing these farming columns for six months and I have started buying all my clothes at StowAg, so quite often I'm stopped in the street by farmers wanting to know about the moisture content of my wheat or where I am on the idea of levying a carbon tax on farmers who finish their cattle after 27 months. I have therefore become very skilled at nodding and then suddenly remembering that I must get in the car and go away. The worry is that I want to learn how to speak farming, but I have no idea how this is possible. I don't have a boss who can take me under his wing, and while I have a land agent, who's brilliant, he is even more un-understandable than Farmers Weekly. I could sign up for a three-year course at what is now, hilariously, called the Royal Agricultural University in Cirencester, but by the time I'd finished learning how to drive a Golf GTI up the steps and how to get home from Cheltenham after a particularly pissed-up day at the Gold Cup, I'd be too old to lean on gates or climb the ladder into my tractor. Muddling on isn't really an option either, because when our EU money dries up in January, it's very obvious farmers are going to have to adopt a much more scientific approach to survive with dwindling government grants. I already don't know how a potato grows, but soon it won't matter unless I can use chemicals and boffinry to grow four billion of them. I shall therefore drown in tech I don't understand and can't afford. I have turned to the internet, of course, and it is neatly split between two approaches. Fantastically simple nonsense written by and for failed City boys who have two acres and a lamb. And head-spinningly complicated equations written by people into chem-porn at Monsanto. And in the middle of all this there's me, who wants to make good food, well. I think I'm not alone. I think there are a lot of farmers like me who are bewildered and even a bit frightened by what they must do to survive. And I think you, round your breakfast tables, should be worried too. Because when you take the art and the history and the simplicity out of farming, I suspect you may end up with a lot of food that doesn't taste very nice. \* I actually don't know what "tread shuffle" means. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And here's the Sun column: "The first real upside of this Covid business is that Halloween’s dead this year"
Where the neck turns, the head goes: Recap of Happily Ever After S05E06
Who wants to marry a stupid bitch? Does anyone else need this show this week to salve the seeping wound of 2020? I do. So let’s recap this bitch! Jess is realizing that Larissa’s warning might be truth in reporting, as Debbie flounces around slamming doors, and Colt makes excuses for her by saying that she’s tired, drenched in boob sweat, and thousands of miles from where everything has been exactly the same for forty years. Jess and Colt go out to dinner, and Colt says he got a second hotel room, so they can have sex. Has he mentioned they’re having the sex? Jess tries to suss out why Debbie detonated shortly after hello, and Colt says that she’s over-protective, which is something Jess should know about, since she lost a parent, too. Instead Jess insists that she somehow was able to become an adult anyway, and then calls him a baby man, and he says that’s not fair; he prefers man-baby. Jess is nervous about introducing Colt to her family members, because they’re fun and he’s Colt, but at least there’s only one of him. Oh wait, Debbie. Jess ponders whether getting Debbie shit-faced will inspire a personality to emerge, and Colt just gives her his constipated kitten face, and says sex again. In case you were wondering, Jess and Colt have sex. We revisit this topic when Colt wakes up and goes to fluff his mother. Debbie is eating breakfast, demanding to know why she was left alone in the room after demanding to be left alone in the room. Colt says that they were having sex, and Jess is kind of loud, but there’s no one to rescue her no matter her screams. He asks Debbie to make some effort to know Jess, since Debs reportedly went with him on this adventure in order to meet her. Debbie says that she was barely there an hour and Jess and Colt were already talking about their hypothetical children, and Debbie did not expect Colt to have a future. Colt is starting to think his mother is just there to sabotage he and Jess, and he says, “I understand you’re tired, but you don’t have to be an asshole.” “YES I DO!” Debbie retorts. “I’m done! I’M DONE!” Colt asks what Debbie thinks of Jess so far, and Debbie says, without irony: “I spent ten minutes with her…she seems to have a goal, or a plan.” Colt asks her to get to know her, and Debbie asks if that means leaving the hotel or enjoying herself, and Colt assures her she can just drain the beach of joy instead. Jess knows Debbie is coming by how the temperature drops and the sun starts to darken. Debbie’s cautious, because in her view Larissa used Colt, and the part where Colt used Larissa right back totes didn’t happen. After a few antagonistic growling statements because Colt is in danger of having a life, Debbie says they need to get along, while doing nothing to be friendly. Debs thinks it’s strange that Colt went from one Brazilian to the next, and never considers for a second this is because Colt likes Brazilian women. Jess is now convinced that Larissa was telling her the truth about Debbie. She tries to find some joy in Debbie, and again asserts the importance of getting Debbie drunk. This will not end well. Nancy Reagan should have solicited Debbie’s services for her war on drugs, because no matter your level of intoxication, Debbie will kill your buzz. Good news! Hot lawyer Adam is back, and an unbelievably healthy fiddle leaf fig guest stars from the hallway. Larissa is there to put in a job application, I guess. Larissa is pretty sure Adam’s wife wouldn’t like her as his assistant, due to what she would be assisting him with. She’s hoping to get her charges reduced to disorderly conduct, so she can get the third punch in her domestic violence card later. Adam hopes the camera folks are getting his good angle, which is all of his angles, and is pleased with the surge of business he’s enjoying from people who don’t seem to have any legal problems at all. His wife has questions, sure, but the answer is in that new boat, and sure he’ll do another season. He asks Larissa if she wants to put him on retainer or what, and she says her teeth are fine, so he invoices the producers directly. Larissa and Eric are still pretending to date. The best part of this scene is the unplanned crotch flash that happens when Larissa elegantly crams her hand between her legs to yank the chair forward. Once seated, they hope to have the most boring conversation possible, and they succeed. The only interesting part of this scene is watching Larissa attempt to eat when she can’t feel her lips, which inspires food to dangle helplessly from her lower pucker before taking a dive. Libby is ready to complain for the duration of their wedding venue hunt, and Andrei plans to dust off a fresh batch of insults for the occasion. She’s uneasy about putting Eleanor in car time-out with Father Andrei while they look at a place, especially since they forgot to crack the windows. Andrei calls her OCD, and says in Moldova people don’t suffocate like pussy Americans. Do you think these two know that they’re already married, and this is just extra for Andrei’s family? Will someone tell them? The first venue is a casino strip mall, and Libby hates it before they even arrive. Libby considers the venue a cross between a bowling alley in 1973 and the Louisville airport (present day) — two places more appealing than the backseat of a car driven by these two, and yes, I’d book it. After Libby is done looking around with a disgusted expression, the poor woman showing them around invites them to look at delicious photos of food, which is too extreme of a diet for Libby. Andrei is stoked on the menu, while Libby expresses concern that there isn’t any picnic fare, and not a red SOLO cup in sight. Libby is nervous about her family having to acknowledge that they’re in a different country, so she lies and says Americans have cheeseburgers and fried chicken at weddings, because nothing classes up casino nuptials like greasy food dribbling down your titty-popping dress. Andrei helpfully points out that there’s a McDonald’s across the street, and Libby doesn’t say, “maybe you should pick up a job application,” but she should have. Instead she hunts for a fresh way to express displeasure without actually doing anything about it. Libby declares the venue bullshit, and walks out so they can have an exit fight. She says her family has a lot of concerns…I’ll just leave it at that, since it covers every season of their story. Andrei accuses her of being hangry, and says they should stop and get food, but Libby hasn’t hated this venue enough yet. She pops off about not wanting to book any place where they can’t taste the food first (fair enough), and Andrei says she’s fucking annoying. Libby demands that he stop interrupting her when she’s being annoying, and this inspires him to interrupt her some more, and then again, until Libby walks away in disgust, which is a nice drumroll to her doing whatever this insecure, nutless, knuckle dragger wants in the next scene. Libby says their disagreements are an every day thing, but yes, he’s acting different in Moldova. Why is she working for her dad when she could take this spin to a PR firm? All the same, this fight apparently evaporated into the air, because it’s not mentioned again when they check out venue #2, which looks exactly like the sort of venue Libby would choose. Libby = if Bed, Bath, and Beyond were a person. Andrei = if leather trench coats were a person. They bring out shot glasses of meat and other delicacies, which Libby declares good, and Andrei translates the cost as around $6,400. Andrei then says it doesn’t matter the cost, her dad is going to pay it. This man became entitled in record time, and I suppose this is what happens when your only financial planning is asking dad. Why does she want to marry him once, let alone twice? Was all his responsibility in his old haircut? Andrei, his parents, and Libby are all cramming poor defenseless Eleanor into a stroller. She tries to escape, then realizes she should probably learn to walk first. Andrei shows her the neighborhood where he grew up, and the cameras race to see who can capture the most destitute part first. He said they used to break windows for fun, and Libby is confused, and Andrei says this was just a test to see if she was paying attention. What they really did was roll unguarded construction equipment into the road. They arrive at a park and take a photo by a tree. Apparently, the park is “on the older side” which in the PacNW is considered an asset, but not for Libby’s plastic coated life, and she’s a little bit concerned about germs. Seriously, is this her first kid exposure? My godson at one point licked a metal railing up and down with no pants on, while his sister sat on the ground trying to eat cedar chips. Sure, all the adults around them got sympathetic staph infections, but those two were just fine. Mother Andrei asks if Libby has anything negative to contribute, and of course she does. Father Andrei says even though their “standards are lower compared to America,” they still love their country. Then Libby is asked to say something negative to further alienate Andrei’s family, so she says her family has no filter, because she doesn’t know that passive-aggression is a filter. Mother Andrei doesn’t believe that he planned the wedding last minute so her family couldn’t come, and Libby doesn’t understand why Mother Andrei isn’t on her team, after insulting her country and warning her about how horrible her family is. “This is kind of starting to piss me off,” Low adds, and I concur, Low. I concur. So in the next scene, Libby draws a hard line and HA HA HA good one. After another empty, sassy interview, Libby is ready to convert to the religion she can’t even name, and has zero curiosity about, but hey, let’s laugh at the guy carrying corn. The baptism requires her to dress in white along with a veil, and she asks if the men have to wear them too, because she’s going for superficially empowered “I’m not a feminist, but…” for this round. 1.) You know men don’t have to wear them, stop it. 2.) You don’t have to wear it either. The way you do this, is stop following this chode’s orders. But fuck that! Instead she does a little stand-turn-blow away the devil-turn-splash-Jesus! The priest puts a cross around her neck, and walks in a circle around the table, alongside Andrei’s sister-in-law Ina, who clearly hates Libby. Then the priest cuts off a lock of Libby’s hair, because Paul promised to pay top dollar for that shit. “All of this seems very dated, and I want to be seen on the same level as men,” Libby states. “I don’t want to actually be on the same level, just perceived that way.” Afterwards they all go out for dinner along with Libby’s negativity, so Andrei can offer more of his selective translation services about how men are from mars, women are from Venus. Libby doesn’t wear the cross she was just handed, and the family is concerned because it attaches a guardian angel…which she doesn’t know, because she doesn’t give a shit. Andrei says that goes to show he has to tell her everything. His brother is unimpressed with Andrei’s toxic masculinity, and seems to be noticing that Andrei is compensating for being a housewife by regurgitating man-meat stereotypes, and he should confine that shit to Reddit like a man. Ina thinks gender expectations are fun, and Andrei lies and says he wants to earn money, but Libby convinced him otherwise. She then declares it was Libby’s responsibility to direct Andrei. “Women are the neck and men are the head,” she explains. “Where the neck turns, the head goes.” Andrei translates this as “the man is the brains, and the woman is the neck. The brain chokes the life out of neck, then tells it turn goddammit. Also, blow jobs and football. Monster trucks. Beef. How am I manning?” “My family has always encouraged women to be very independent,” says that woman living off of her father’s money and doing everything her husband says. “I have no self-awareness, and I’ll have to put him in his place!” Libby lies, in sassy. Angela is planning a wedding in a few weeks, and describes it as a job. Michael wakes her up and she starts getting out of bed, and says, “I’m trying to cover my cooter right now.” She is all business, while Michael is horny, probably because she triggered his junk with that super hot cooter line. Angela shows Michael that she got him not one but two suits for the wedding, and he’s shocked at the price of them, and the utter style of the purple suit. He does this weird ecstatic marriage dance on the bed, which is the second awkward dance of the season, so they have to be getting a bonus for these. Either way, it makes Angela laugh, but ha ha ha don’t get too comfortable. Michael is taking her to meet the ex-pats. He’s been hearing about life in America from them, and he’s nervous. Michael explains that they have dual citizenship, which Angela insists on pronouncing “dool.” They warned him about segregation in certain places, and how black folks are routinely executed without trial by police. Angela fails to note that black folks might have a different perspective of American life than hers, and thinks Michael should just watch that July 4th parade on the VHS tape she sent him over and over, until his Murica tank is USA, and his Donald Trump underpants breed in his drawer. Then he says something about her staying in Nigeria instead, and come on dude, she’s got six grandkids she’s caring for a dying mother. “That’s a no for me. Unless I can’t get another season of Happily Ever After, and need to make a play for The Other Way. Then maybe, if I get to spend most of the season deciding.” I see you, Angela. Angela apparently didn’t watch the show last season, because she’s surprised to learn that his friends are women. The minute she sees them she goes from menthols to Lucky Strike, declares their relationship a wrap (again) and gets in the car for more incoherent screaming. Come the fuck on. This dude was dancing on the bed about marrying her fifteen minutes ago. Can’t she just enjoy her relationship already? This leaves all of Michael’s friends shocked, and all of us at home wondering if her storyline is ever going to get more complicated. In their next scene Angela is still exploding, and Michael doesn’t say anything, because what’s the point. “I’m not a stupid woman,” she lies. “Who wants to marry a stupid bitch?” Michael, apparently. She gets a phone call from Skyla, who reports grandma is living in a fantasy world and doesn’t make much sense, which means she and Angela have a lot in common. Angela explains that this is dementia, and Skyla suspects it’s related to Mother Angela pulling out her oxygen the night before. Between the stress and her smoking habits, Angela is on the fast track to a heart attack, and Michael just wants her to calm down. After this phone conversation Angela tells Michael that this is the type of stress she’s been under, and she’s scared she might not see her mother again. This is sort of like apologizing, but not. She tells Michael she still wants to get married, and Michael is happy he’ll live to be verbally battered another day. Asuelu says things are really tense, and no one wants to talk to him because he specifically asked everyone not to talk to him. Low wants to take him for a walk with the dog, so he can show him where he plans to bury his body. He asks Asuelu what’s going on, and Asuelu says that no one is interested in hearing his side. Low knows that Samoan culture is different, and is glad he has that personal experience so they have a better chance of understanding each other. Asuelu says that conversation was all a big misunderstanding, because he meant to call Kalani a bitch at least twice. He adds that sometimes he says things in English that don’t make sense, because he simply doesn’t know English well enough to correct any gaffs. Low says that’s not acceptable, and it ruined Oliver’s birthday party, and there are consequences for behaving that way. Asuelu asks, “Like time-out?” And Low says nope, it’s big-boy danger, like a good old-fashion Samoan ass-whooping, and he needs to apologize to Kalani. Low is getting fed up with the chances he’s given Asuelu, and he says he’s trying his best not to get violent, but he’s going to have to learn how to treat his wife. For his part, Asuelu seems lighter after this conversation, since Low did listen to him before offering advice in a compassionate manner. So he wants to prove to Low that he meant what he said, and will go and apologize to Kalani, and will try to be a better father and husband…when Low is around. Otherwise he plans to pout on a swing set eating a snow cone or something. Syngin calls his brother Dylan, since he just found out Dylan was in the ICU with a blood clot. The clot started after a knee injury, and the clot traveled up to his lungs, which is the last step before it reaches the heart and causes death. Dylan says he’s lucky to be alive, and fuck, this dude is only 25 years old. Syngin says he’s very close to his brother, and he was trapped in the states (alone) on the K-1 when his Gran died, and realizes he’d go crazy if he couldn’t be there for his brother. Dylan admits he’s craving some comforting, and Syngin says he’ll try to figure out a way to travel to South Africa. Dylan asks if he’ll bring Tania, and Syngin isn’t sure, because they’ve been having some problems, and he might be using this trip to disappear forever. Syngin meets with Tania after physical therapy for her own knee injury, and she reveals that the doctor said she should be walking a lot better, so she should probably try to, you know, walk. Syngin confesses he really wants to go to South Africa to be with his brother, but he doesn’t know if their financial limits allow for it. In a shocking twist, Tania 100% understands his need to see his brother, and admits she would respond the same way with her own family, so she’s supportive of his travel plans. This apparently shocks Syngin, too, because instead of stating he’d rather go alone he asks if she’d like to come, and reminds her that she’s his family, too. It’s Tania’s turn to be surprised, since she was thinking what the rest of us at home were: he’s going to bounce. She’s a bit uneasy about joining him, since they’re still having problems, and isn’t flying with a leg injury something that increases the likelihood of a blood clot of her own? I’m not a doctor, but I do know traveling around South Africa with another person literally on your back is a great way to confuse the locals, and all of us at home. NEXT WEEK: Libby’s dad and bro arrive to be verbally abused by ingrate Andrei while Libby makes faces, Paul continues to deliver on the slapstick by dropping an air conditioner out a window, Michael thinks Angela is going to cook and both of them run from a fly-covered goat head, and Debbie drains the marrow of everyone in Jess’ family. Thank you, Patreon supporters! For recaps of The Other Way: patreon.com/fractalfay
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